What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 08:52
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We all went to grammer schools
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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She was in good health!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
How do you identify a woman player?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When she asked me how she looked .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I waited trembling.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I think the readers, may guess!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were not on the streets..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My life is so biszare .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was scared of men, in general
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Where the ultimate outsiders.